I'm an old lady now

Well, it happened: I turned 30.  I have had a lot of mixed feelings about this because 30 is one of the ages where there is a decline in fertility.  Also since I haven't started my new job yet I have had a lot of time to sit and reflect upon this.  I have had a break this past year from the sadness of infertility but lately it's really been festering to the surface again.  It's so hard when your heart tells you that you're supposed to be doing something that your body cannot do.  And it's even harder when it seems as though everybody else can have this but you can't.  We are still waiting on our licensor for foster care which also has been adding to my distress.  But I have been through these challenges before and I am really trying to handle them better the second time around.  So suffice it to say that I am going through a stretch of waiting.  Waiting for my new job to start, waiting for our family to progress in one way or another, and trying to wait patiently which is really hard sometimes.

On another positive note I had a GREAT birthday party.  I told Russ that I really wanted a party for my 30th so my mother-in-law hosted it (which was so sweet) and Russ got people to come!  It was really nice.  We just visited, played Cranium, and ate snacks, which was the perfect type of gathering for me.  One day when we have a house I want to host regular game nights because I think they are so much fun!  Russ took a couple of pictures and they are not the greatest pictures of myself but I am not too embarrassed to put them on here.

The real best Easter/Birthday/Christmas Present

It's time for me to repent about something I yesterday.  I alluded that having a baby would be the best Birthday/Easter/Christmas present ever.  It's kind of ironic that I included Easter and Christmas in that because as I reflected upon my words those two holidays made me realize something:  I already HAVE the best Birthday/Easter/Christmas present ever.  I never should have put wanting a baby above the most amazing gift that my Savior and my Heavenly Father have given me.  Right now "I Stand All Amazed" is playing on my computer.  The words to this Hymn are so fitting:


I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died

Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me
Oh, it is wonderful
Wonderful to me

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify

(Repeat chorus)

I think of his hands, pierced and bleeding to pay my debt
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Secure in the promise of life in his victory
Thus ransomed from death I will live to my Savior's praise
And sing of his goodness and mercy through endless days

I really don't like to get gifts at church on Mother's Day.  It often seems more like a reminder of what I'm not than a gift of appreciation.  Last year, however, our ward passed out this picture to all of the women as a Mother's Day gift:

It serves as a reminder to me that even though I may not ever have the things I desire in this life I can have everything I ever wanted and more than I can even imagine because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  It is so easy to lose an eternal perspective.  The best Chrismas present ever was my Father in Heaven sending a sweet babe born in Bethlehem over 2,000 years ago.  The best Easter present ever was a Savior who chose to take upon himself my sins and suffer death and be risen from the dead on the third day.  The best birthday present ever happened 30 years ago when I had the marvelous opportunity to be born into mortality and experience the tests and trials that will enable me to become refined and to return to live with Him.  It is so easy to be blinded by everything else that goes on in this world, but truly this all that really matters.  

A crappy day

I don't ever take one of these unless I really, really, really think I'm pregnant.  I had many reasons to believe  this was the case.  I also thought maybe God was feeling extra-generous and would give me the best Easter/Birthday/Christmas present ever.  Today was a crappy day.

It's coming along

I have not posted in almost 4 months.  Wow.  Things are coming along slowly but surely to be foster parents.  We have finally purchased all the items we need for foster parenting and completed the "kids room" (oh, we do still have to move our things out of the closet, but other than that we're good).  We had a date night going to Ikea this week.  It was a long drive.  I am definitely not ready to go on a long road trip because the 2 hours to Ikea and 2 hours back felt like torture to me.  But I am pretty proud of ourselves for making it out of there spending less than $100.  And I finally have a dresser that fits my things in it!  The dresser I was using was technically a kids dresser and it was always bursting full.  Now the kids dresser is in the kids room.

On another note I am no longer employed.  I really think this is something that needed to happen.  My job was stressing me out so much.  It also wore me down quite a bit.  I had no energy for anything after work.  We both feel strongly that I need to be at home more for when the foster kids come.  I do have another job lined up though, I can start after my background check clears. (This will be 3 different background checks in a period of about 4 months!)  I don't want to go into details yet because I haven't started, but I think it will be perfect.  I can work full or part time.  I am very excited for all our new adventures!  We have both had so much fun planning and decorating the "kid's room" here are some pictures:

We have to have all the beds and the crib all set up for the home study even though only 2 kids can stay in the room at once.  You can also see my old dresser in the middle photo there.  The boxes of toys and things look messy in front of the bookshelf there but we have a place for them, they're just not in their spot yet.  It was a bit of a challenge trying to create a gender neutral room which is why we went with green.  I wasn't sure about that at first because the color scheme in the bathroom is green, but it worked out after all.  I spoke with our licensor and we won't be able to have our home study for at least another two weeks because they are so busy, but we are going to take our new "kid's room" on a test run tomorrow night!  My cousin's kids are coming for an overnighter.  Every time they have come over that room has always been a mess of boxes, so I am curious to see their reaction.  We did show them these pictures so they may not be too impressed, but we'll see!  This is such an exciting time!  I hope that within the first half of May we can get some foster kids!

Remembering Winter

It has been a snowy week here in NW Washington.  It has also been gorgeous!  There is nothing quite like snowfall on evergreen trees.  In tribute to winter here are some winter pictures for your enjoyment.  Some were taken by me, some were taken by my friend Chandalar.  Some of them were taken in Washington, most were taken in Rexburg, ID.

 But of course these next two represent the best Winter of them all!