The real best Easter/Birthday/Christmas Present

It's time for me to repent about something I yesterday.  I alluded that having a baby would be the best Birthday/Easter/Christmas present ever.  It's kind of ironic that I included Easter and Christmas in that because as I reflected upon my words those two holidays made me realize something:  I already HAVE the best Birthday/Easter/Christmas present ever.  I never should have put wanting a baby above the most amazing gift that my Savior and my Heavenly Father have given me.  Right now "I Stand All Amazed" is playing on my computer.  The words to this Hymn are so fitting:


I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died

Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me
Oh, it is wonderful
Wonderful to me

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify

(Repeat chorus)

I think of his hands, pierced and bleeding to pay my debt
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Secure in the promise of life in his victory
Thus ransomed from death I will live to my Savior's praise
And sing of his goodness and mercy through endless days

I really don't like to get gifts at church on Mother's Day.  It often seems more like a reminder of what I'm not than a gift of appreciation.  Last year, however, our ward passed out this picture to all of the women as a Mother's Day gift:

It serves as a reminder to me that even though I may not ever have the things I desire in this life I can have everything I ever wanted and more than I can even imagine because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  It is so easy to lose an eternal perspective.  The best Chrismas present ever was my Father in Heaven sending a sweet babe born in Bethlehem over 2,000 years ago.  The best Easter present ever was a Savior who chose to take upon himself my sins and suffer death and be risen from the dead on the third day.  The best birthday present ever happened 30 years ago when I had the marvelous opportunity to be born into mortality and experience the tests and trials that will enable me to become refined and to return to live with Him.  It is so easy to be blinded by everything else that goes on in this world, but truly this all that really matters.  

It DOES get easier

On my infertility board that I participate in a member asked a question as to weather or not it gets any easier.  7 out of 8 replied that it does not get any easier.  This surprised me.  While it is still extremely difficult it HAS gotten easier for me.  This was my reply:

I am with C_____ on this one. It HAS gotten easier for me. Not perfect, not painless, but easier. I don't spend the last 20 minutes of church crying in the bathroom anymore because I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have kids. I no longer keep a tally of all the women I know who are pregnant. And I don't run to the store to grab a pregnancy test every time my period is late. And when I do take a pregnancy test and the answer comes out negative I no longer spend the whole day in tears. Every once-in-a-while I will have that same consuming feeling sadness and betrayal, but it's not ALL the time anymore. I try to avoid situations that would make me upset, and that helps. I feel like I am beginning to trust God again and allow Him to heal me. I am also looking foreword to other possibilities in my future; the prospect of becoming foster parents and maybe adopt; enjoying my cousin's little family that will be moving here soon; and finding joy again in the things that I used to do. I have heard that time heals all wounds and I truly believe that. The key for me is to allow myself to mourn when I need to and to be patient with myself.

But then I wondered, when the answer was an overwhelming "no" for almost everybody else what made it such a definite "yes" for me?   I realized that it is my faith in Jesus Christ and my knowledge of the plan of salvation.  It hurts like heck that I may never be a mother in this life, but I KNOW that if Russ and I are faithful to our covenants then we WILL be parents in the life to come.  Last week I was listening to an interview on the Mormon Channel with Sister Julie B. Beck who is currently serving as the General Relief Society president.  The interviewer referenced a talk that Sister Beck gave in 2004 entitled "A Mother Heart" and asked Sister Beck what exactly is a "mother heart."  Sister Beck's reply was exactly what I needed to hear.  This is what she said:

A woman has that heart if she has a testimony of her identity as a daughter of God, that should she merit eternal life, and that life we all yearn for, then her title will be mother.  That will be the honorable name she will be called by.  No matter what her life experiences here in this life, a worthy woman will be a mother.  And that heart is developed with an understanding.  I think it's a Christ-like heart; having the attributes of Christ and having the kind of love and yearning for that eternal blessing.

I know this to be true.  The most hurtful part of infertility is not that I can't have children at this time; it's to see women who have children who don't appreciate what they have.  It's to see mother's who cry and whine about how miserable their life is and how difficult their children are.  Life is a challenge.  It was meant to be.  But I hope that those who have children can appreciate this blessing and have joy in it.  They have right now, in this life, that thing which all righteous women yearn for.  They carry at this time the most honorable role and title that one can possibly have.  They carry this title for a time.  But if I am true and faithful I will carry it for eternity.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword, or infertility?  Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Good things to come.

What a busy fall this has been for us!  Here's a little bit of what's been going on:

In September we attended a 3 hour orientation meeting.
In October we completed a 27 hour training course.
Also in October we completed a First Aid/CPR course.

Any ideas yet on what's happening?  I'll keep going...

In November we will be filling out a lot of paperwork.   We will also be very busy cleaning and organizing our second bedroom and putting all the things in there that we don't need into storage.  We will be purchasing outlet covers, untangling the cords on the blinds, locking up all our vitamins and medicine, and placing all cleaning supplies safely out-of-reach.

After all that we will have a special visit from a WA State employee.  Of course before that visit we still have to purchase two fire-escape ladders, age-appropriate toys for ages 0-17, a water proof mattress cover, and a crib that converts into a toddler bed complete with bedding.  

Have you figured it out yet?

We're going to be foster parents!!!!  We have decided to do foster to adopt knowing that the majority of the children that come into our home will not be able to be adopted, but will return to their birth families. We will be open to inviting children of all ages into our home (hence the twin sized bed plus the crib that converts into a toddler bed) but we feel that the best fit for us at this time would be elementary school-aged kids (6-11, give or take a couple of years!)

Can you see how excited we are?  A little nervous, a little apprehensive, but a LOT excited.  We have both been waiting a long time for this!

Comfort

One thing I'm pretty sure most of you don't know about me is that I came pretty close to marrying somebody else before I met Russ. It was somebody I had known, loved, trusted, and admired for 6 years of my life. You can only imagine my excitement when we went from being "friends" to being "a couple". I was 24 years old. I had been home from my mission just over a year. I was only a few semesters away from getting my degree. The timing in my life was perfect. We began to speak of marriage more and more often. He began to speak to me more and more often about his own fears and reservations. You can only imagine the heartbreak I went through when he very abruptly ended things. At the end of the Summer of 2006 I returned to school with tear-filled eyes and a broken heart. I had two very brief phone conversations with him that Fall and after that he never spoke to me again-even the one time I saw him in person he would not speak to me. The heartbreak I felt was more than I could possibly bear. At that time more than any other I had to call upon the atonement of Christ to mend a horribly broken heart. I also cried all the time. One of the places I cried the most was in the temple. It was such a peaceful place, but all I could think about while I was there were the incredible blessings of the Sealing Ordinance that almost could have been mine. Then one day, while crying in the temple, I felt to read this scripture:

After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and ^akindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and ^bpalms in their hands; And cried with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb... And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and whence came they? And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came ^aout of great ^btribulation, and have^cwashed their robes, and made them ^dwhite in the ^eblood of the^fLamb. Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his ^atemple: and he that ^bsitteth on the throne shall ^cdwell among them. They shall hunger no more, neither ^athirst any more; neither shall the ^bsun light on them, nor any heat. For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of ^awaters: and God shall wipe away all ^btears from their eyes.

And then I understood that as I was there serving in the temple, at that very moment, God was wiping the tears from my eyes. And God did deliver His promise. I did mary in the temple, to a worthy Elder in Israel, just as He promised I would. I vowed then that I would never doubt the Lord's promises again. I am sorry to say that I made a vow that I have not been able to keep. I am learning though, continually learning. In church today I was re-reading another scripture that I think will have as much of an impact on me as the one I just mentioned did:

And then shall that which is written come to pass: Sing, O^abarren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into ^bsinging, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child; for more are the children of the ^cdesolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord. Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thy habitations; spare not, lengthen thy cords and strengthen thy ^astakes; ... For the ^amountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my ^bkindness shall not ^cdepart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee. O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy ^astones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones. And ^aall thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the ^bpeace of thy children...No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall revile against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the ^aservants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

Now I know this scripture is really about the gathering of Israel, but it really speaks to me personally on so many levels. It tells me to sing or be happy in the situation I am in. It tells me that my work is to enlarge the stakes of Zion. It tells me that the comfortless and afflicted will have treasures given to them. It tells me that, yes, there are more unwed women who have children than those that the married wife has, but MY children will be taught of the Lord and have great peace. It tells me that no weapon (and I take this to mean the evil and conspiring works of men, not just physical weapons) formed against me will prosper. It tells me that this is my HERITAGE as a servant of the Lord. However, my favorite message from this scripture is that the Lord doesn't rebuke us for feeling afflicted or not comforted. He simply lays out what our blessings are and acknowledges our pain. And isn't that what He's always done? Isn't that what he did with Lazarus' sisters only moments before he raised Lazarus from the dead? He wept with them. And then, in His own very special way, and with healing in His wings, He wiped the tears from their eyes.

A Mother Heart

Some of us may never be mothers, but we still have a mother heart.

A Mother Heart

She cries herself to sleep each night

she wants to do what she knows is right

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

Her soul's deepest wish and sincerest desire

burns within her, hotter than fire

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

She'd give up riches, honor, and fame

just to quench that bitter flame

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

Her barren womb will fail her still

but she submits to the Almighty's will

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

Other's around her scoff and scorn

few can see the depth of her mourn

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

She feeds the light, and fights to win

She won't abandon the hope within

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

She continues to pray in faith each day

and retains a hope when it doesn't work out that way

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

She longs to lift, to create, to build

In spite of what her womb won't yield

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

She'll show love to those in need

She'll fill her life with every good deed

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

To love, to bless, to give, to care

To help, to heal, to live, to share

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

She turns and looks toward the Son

And knows at last her battle is won

-That's the way of a Mother Heart

The Epitome of a Woman

I first wrote this poem my last year at BYU-Idaho. I was sitting in church one day observing the wife of a member of our Bishopric who was also a new mother. I was inspired. The first two verses I wrote then, the rest I added to it last summer.

The Epitome of a Woman

The epitome of a woman

Is in her touch

Is in her smile

In only doing that

Which she knows is worthwhile

When she looks into tomorrow

Never thinking about today

The link through generations

Love and sacrifice is her way

She is always filled with virtue

She is always filled with strength

Standing tall and firm and steadfast

She will run the greater length

Her life may be a battle

Of truth and right from wrong

Yet never does she weary

She fills the world with song

Against her lies no competition

No enemy can prevail

The Lord is ever with her

She sees beyond the veil

She lifts, she builds, she strengthens

With heaven's mighty pull

Her body may be weary

But her heart is ever full

With wisdom she'll press forward

Generations yet to come

Will remember her in honor

Of the woman she has become

These are the women I think of when I think of this poem. My pioneer ancestors. They gave up everything. They faced so many difficulties and challenges. Each one has a miraculous story. Each one has been a source of strength to many. I honor them. Just in these photographs you can see courage, determination, and even refinement in their eyes. I also think of this woman.

She is not my ancestor. She never had any children, but her legacy is timeless. She is remembered and honored by thousands if not millions. She surely faced many of the trials I am going through, but like a modern-day Nephi she pressed forward with unwavering courage and determination. I want to be more like her: Eliza R. Snow.

Broken

Broken

No glimpse of blood, for months on end

Yet no child in my womb to make this so

Hurting

The pain in my heart continues to grow

Yet in silence my tears flow alone

May

Seeing year after year how those of other’s have grown

This is the most painful time of year

Eyes

That cannot see my pain, my fear

Full of questions they dare not ask

Heart

Aching and broken, I do not fit the task

What makes them so much greater than I?

Lost

Hope is gone. I only ask “Why”?

And the only answer is that I am

Broken

Doesn't this look fun?

Doesn't this look fun?

Oh, I would give almost anything right now to have a couple of toddlers to do this fun stuff with.