Comfort

One thing I'm pretty sure most of you don't know about me is that I came pretty close to marrying somebody else before I met Russ. It was somebody I had known, loved, trusted, and admired for 6 years of my life. You can only imagine my excitement when we went from being "friends" to being "a couple". I was 24 years old. I had been home from my mission just over a year. I was only a few semesters away from getting my degree. The timing in my life was perfect. We began to speak of marriage more and more often. He began to speak to me more and more often about his own fears and reservations. You can only imagine the heartbreak I went through when he very abruptly ended things. At the end of the Summer of 2006 I returned to school with tear-filled eyes and a broken heart. I had two very brief phone conversations with him that Fall and after that he never spoke to me again-even the one time I saw him in person he would not speak to me. The heartbreak I felt was more than I could possibly bear. At that time more than any other I had to call upon the atonement of Christ to mend a horribly broken heart. I also cried all the time. One of the places I cried the most was in the temple. It was such a peaceful place, but all I could think about while I was there were the incredible blessings of the Sealing Ordinance that almost could have been mine. Then one day, while crying in the temple, I felt to read this scripture:

After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and ^akindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and ^bpalms in their hands; And cried with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb... And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and whence came they? And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came ^aout of great ^btribulation, and have^cwashed their robes, and made them ^dwhite in the ^eblood of the^fLamb. Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his ^atemple: and he that ^bsitteth on the throne shall ^cdwell among them. They shall hunger no more, neither ^athirst any more; neither shall the ^bsun light on them, nor any heat. For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of ^awaters: and God shall wipe away all ^btears from their eyes.

And then I understood that as I was there serving in the temple, at that very moment, God was wiping the tears from my eyes. And God did deliver His promise. I did mary in the temple, to a worthy Elder in Israel, just as He promised I would. I vowed then that I would never doubt the Lord's promises again. I am sorry to say that I made a vow that I have not been able to keep. I am learning though, continually learning. In church today I was re-reading another scripture that I think will have as much of an impact on me as the one I just mentioned did:

And then shall that which is written come to pass: Sing, O^abarren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into ^bsinging, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child; for more are the children of the ^cdesolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord. Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thy habitations; spare not, lengthen thy cords and strengthen thy ^astakes; ... For the ^amountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my ^bkindness shall not ^cdepart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee. O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy ^astones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones. And ^aall thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the ^bpeace of thy children...No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall revile against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the ^aservants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

Now I know this scripture is really about the gathering of Israel, but it really speaks to me personally on so many levels. It tells me to sing or be happy in the situation I am in. It tells me that my work is to enlarge the stakes of Zion. It tells me that the comfortless and afflicted will have treasures given to them. It tells me that, yes, there are more unwed women who have children than those that the married wife has, but MY children will be taught of the Lord and have great peace. It tells me that no weapon (and I take this to mean the evil and conspiring works of men, not just physical weapons) formed against me will prosper. It tells me that this is my HERITAGE as a servant of the Lord. However, my favorite message from this scripture is that the Lord doesn't rebuke us for feeling afflicted or not comforted. He simply lays out what our blessings are and acknowledges our pain. And isn't that what He's always done? Isn't that what he did with Lazarus' sisters only moments before he raised Lazarus from the dead? He wept with them. And then, in His own very special way, and with healing in His wings, He wiped the tears from their eyes.

A few thoughts on modesty

I am very much an advocate for modesty. I believe in modesty. I very much believe that our bodies are sacred temples and that we ought to treat them as such. This does not mean that we have to dress like nuns or uncomely. I believe that one of the ways we stand as witnesses of Christ is in how we dress and how our image portrays ourselves to others. How we dress also shows how we perceive ourselves. I saw the following video on a blog I follow. I thought it was enlightening on how we as women have a tremendous amount of power and how the way we dress has an effect on everybody around us.

That being said I now want to share with you what I think is hands-down the BEST discourse on modesty. It is from a fireside given at BYU-Idaho by Susan A. Bednar in September 2001. You can read it here.

I love womanhood. I feel like I'm just beginning to understand our profound influence on the world that we carry as women. I pray that each of us can live worthy of our responsibilities and that we can make choices to influence others for good.

The Epitome of a Woman

I first wrote this poem my last year at BYU-Idaho. I was sitting in church one day observing the wife of a member of our Bishopric who was also a new mother. I was inspired. The first two verses I wrote then, the rest I added to it last summer.

The Epitome of a Woman

The epitome of a woman

Is in her touch

Is in her smile

In only doing that

Which she knows is worthwhile

When she looks into tomorrow

Never thinking about today

The link through generations

Love and sacrifice is her way

She is always filled with virtue

She is always filled with strength

Standing tall and firm and steadfast

She will run the greater length

Her life may be a battle

Of truth and right from wrong

Yet never does she weary

She fills the world with song

Against her lies no competition

No enemy can prevail

The Lord is ever with her

She sees beyond the veil

She lifts, she builds, she strengthens

With heaven's mighty pull

Her body may be weary

But her heart is ever full

With wisdom she'll press forward

Generations yet to come

Will remember her in honor

Of the woman she has become

These are the women I think of when I think of this poem. My pioneer ancestors. They gave up everything. They faced so many difficulties and challenges. Each one has a miraculous story. Each one has been a source of strength to many. I honor them. Just in these photographs you can see courage, determination, and even refinement in their eyes. I also think of this woman.

She is not my ancestor. She never had any children, but her legacy is timeless. She is remembered and honored by thousands if not millions. She surely faced many of the trials I am going through, but like a modern-day Nephi she pressed forward with unwavering courage and determination. I want to be more like her: Eliza R. Snow.

Romans 8

It has been so easy in the trial I am now going through to lose faith and hope.

Has God forgotten me?

"The Spirit itself beareth ^awitness with our ^bspirit, that we are the ^cchildren of God: And if children, then heirs; ^aheirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we ^bsuffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the ^asufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the ^bglory which shall be revealed ^cin us."

No.

I am not sure if this will ever really happen. Has hope been lost?

"For we are saved by ^ahope: but hope that is ^bseen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

No.

I pray for the desires of my heart to be answered and yet my womb remains empty.

Does He hear me? Will things work out?

"Likewise the Spirit also ^ahelpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should ^bpray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh ^cintercession for us with ^dgroanings which cannot be uttered. And he that ^asearcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh ^bintercession for the saints according to the will of God.And we know that all things work together for ^agood to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Yes.

Will I pull through this? Will I be able to stand strong against these tides that threaten to pull me under?

"Who shall separate us from the ^alove of Christ? shall ^btribulation, or distress, or ^cpersecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are ^akilled all the day long; we are accounted as ^bsheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are ^amore than ^bconquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to ^aseparate us from the ^blove of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Yes.

And in the words of the scriptures I find strength. I cannot help but think of the words of this hymn:

Shall the youth of Zion falter
In defending truth and right?
While the enemy assaileth,
Shall we shrink or shun the fight? No!
True to the faith that our parents have cherished,
True to the truth for which martyrs have perished,
To God's command,
Soul, heart, and hand,
Faithful and true we will ever stand.

While we know the pow'rs of darkness
Seek to thwart the work of God,
Shall the children of the promise
Cease to grasp the iron rod? No!
True to the faith that our parents have cherished,
True to the truth for which martyrs have perished,
To God's command,
Soul, heart, and hand,
Faithful and true we will ever stand.

Finishing the task

I've been thinking lately about how many young adults I know who can't seem to finish the tasks they've started. Now don't get me wrong-everybody has that big project they started on months (or years) ago that they just can't seem to get around to completing. I'm talking about people who can't seem to get ahead in life because they seem to give up far too quickly on the tasks that will help them get ahead. I'm thinking of young men (more than one, mind you) who start going back to school and can't finish their classes. They end up being stuck in the same minimum wage jobs for the rest of their lives.

It makes me remember how many things I wanted to quit on when I was growing up, but my parents would never let me. It sure taught me how to stick things out through the end and never quit. My dad especially was the one who taught me this. As a girl I took ballet. At one point in time I didn't particularly like it. My dad told me he would transfer me to a new ballet studio and that after a year if I wasn't having fun then I wouldn't have to do it anymore. I enjoyed it better at the new studio, but it was tough. I was determined, however, to not give up. I took ballet until I went away to college.

There were so many things that would have been easier if I had just given up. But my parents taught me not to quit and to persevere. They also taught me to try again if at first I did not succeed. I believe that all successful people have learned this early on. I see far too many people stuck in a pattern of quitting and they end up stuck in the same rut over and over again. It makes me so sad that they will never reach their full potential as long as they remain on this path. I also believe that successful individuals who persevere and don't quit have had the influence of a traditional home with a mother who's primary focus is on her children (not her career) and a father who is involved in the lives and success of his children. I hope to have a home with all these traits when we have children of our own. I hope I can teach the children to believe in themselves and in their own potential and to keep trying when things get and to never give up.

She Quilts!

Now that I have so much more free time on my hands I can persue the hobbies that I always wanted to but simply didn't have the time for.  My new hobby?  Quilting!  I cannot tell you how long I have wanted to do this.  In fact, I love it so much, I feel like I was born for it!  I'm still a beginner, but I'm so exited to have a lifetime ahead of me to be able to do this!

Another neat thing about quilting is the legacy that accompanies it.  I cannot look at pictures of quilts and not remember the thousands of pioneer women who walked across the plains in search of a better life.  Some for more opportunities or homesteading, and some, like my pioneer ancestors, who walked across a continent to escape religious persecution and to be able to worship their God in freedom.  I can imagine them, walking barefoot with frost-bitten toes across a frozen prairie, or sweltering in the hot summer sun, but still continuing on with faith and diligence, and saving every scrap of material along the way to and piece together into something useful and beautiful.  What a wonderful legacy to follow!

P.S. Click here if you would like to read the story about the Martin Handcart Company crossing the Sweetwater River shown above.

Light

One of the hardest things about living in the Northwest is the short days in the winter.  One of the greatest things about living in the Northwest is the long days in the summer.  In the dead of winter it can be pitch dark as early as 4:30 in the afternoon.  But in mid-summer it stays light until almost 10:oo pm.  It is so wonderful to feel spring coming as the days get longer and longer. I love light.  In looking for an apartment one of my prerequesites was that it be bright.  I turn all the lights on in the house when it's not bright enough.  I used to want to live in Alaska until I realized the prospect of days with no light at all.  And when you think about it, light is the source of all life.  Plants, which are on the bottom of the food chain, produce their food from light.  Our growth, our ability to function, our energy, the only thing that keeps us going...is light.  This is true spiritually as well as physically.  It makes me think of one of my favorite scriptures about the true source of all light:

 "He that ascended up on high, as also he descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth; Which truth shineth.  This is the light of Christ. As also he is in the sun, and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by which it was made.  As also he is the moon, and is the light of the moon, and the power thereof by which it was made; As also the light of the stars, and the power thereof by which they were made; And the earth also, and the power thereof, even the earth upon which you stand.  And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings; Which light proceedeth forth from the presence of God to fill the immensity of space-The light which is in all things, which is the law by which all things are governed, even the power of God who sitteth upon his throne, who is in the bosom of eternity, who is in the midst of all things."  Doctrine and Covenants 88:6-13

His light is in each of us and it is the source of all light...the source of all life.  As long as we look to Him that light will shine in us, and our understanding will be increased.

"And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things."  Doctrine and Covenants 88:67

"That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light growth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." Doctrine and Covenants 50:24

So often in life we feel distressed and discouraged.  I have noticed in my own life that when I neglect to nourish my spirituality and fail to daily fill my life with the words of Christ it seems as though I am in darkness.  I feel like the houseplant that is stuck in a room without the curtains open and I'm constantly trying to twist and turn myself in all the wrong directions trying to get to that light that will sustain me.  When I bask in the light of Christ I am strengthened and able to do all things in Him.  My prayer is that we each seek the light that will nourish and strengthen us. 

Star light

Star bright

Many stars I see tonight

In the darkness, black or blue

Shines the light of you, so true

While dark it seems from far away

Where you are, is light to stay

Adjusting to married life

Ok,  so I'm FINALLY posting a new blog.  I've been thinking a lot lately about all the changes marriage can bring.  I've also been reading a lot of books about adjusting to marriage.  I found one in particular that is AWESOME!  It's called The First Year of Marriage by Miriam Arond and Samuel L. Pauker.  So many of the books I've been reading about the first year of marriage only tell other people's stories, or it seems as though the author is just babbling on and on about his or her own personal experiences.  The First Year of Marriage, however, addresses the underlying reasons behind why you may be experiences a lot of the feelings you're having as well as explaining the psychology behind a family unit and how your actions can influence each other.  It really has you look at why you may be experiencing certain emotions and how you can change the things in your marriage that you may be unhappy with.  I highly recommend it for ALL married couples, not just those who are newlyweds! 

This photo is from http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51HCY6FDJDL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA240_SH20_OU01_.jpg

                                                                     

"Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ"

I've always known that a woman's influence is of utter importance.  The woman is the one who really forms society, creates the atmosphere of home and family, and is the glue that holds everything together.  

Unfortunatley between changing occupations, status, and towns I've been feeling a little lost.  I wasn't sure where I was, where I was trying to go, or how to get there.  Furthermore I'd been feeling a little neglected in my talents and abilities being recognized by those around me due to my gender and position in society.  Here I was, at last at the place where I had been trying to get to my whole life, and all I could think of was "What am I supposed to do with myself?" 

So what do I do when I'm lost?  Find a map!  And find it I did!  It's an old Ensign article entitled "One Thing Needful':  Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ" by Patrcia T. Holland.  I'm not going to post the whole article in this blog, but you can click here to see the link.

I especially loved these words from Sister Holland in the article:

"We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection. We must not allow our own guilt, the feminist books, the talk-show hosts, or the whole media culture to sell us a bill of goods—or rather a bill of no goods. We can become so sidetracked in our compulsive search for identity and self-esteem that we really believe it can be found in having perfect figures or academic degrees or professional status or even absolute motherly success. Yet, in so searching externally, we can be torn from our true internal, eternal selves. We often worry so much about pleasing and performing for others that we lose our uniqueness—that full and relaxed acceptance of one’s self as a person of worth and individuality. We become so frightened and insecure that we cannot be generous toward the diversity and individuality, and yes, problems, of our neighbors. Too many women with these anxieties watch helplessly as their lives unravel from the very core that centers and sustains them. Too many are like a ship at sea without sail or rudder, “tossed to and fro,” as the Apostle Paul said (see Eph. 4:14), until more and more of us are genuinely, rail-

grabbingly seasick."

As a single woman being forced into a career that I really didn't want due to my single status I had many friends in similar situations.  Together we would be dumbfounded as we watched women who willfully neglected their divine callings as mothers.  We could not understand as we watched them willingly abandon their children at home alone or with strangers while they went to work in search of a more fulfilling life.  We could see first-hand how these children suffered as they grew up without the stability and security of a mother at home in exchange for larger homes and fancier cars.  In our hearts we longed to be where they were and pitied them for not understanding their loss.  I hope I will never have to compromise my values like that.  Yes, marriage is an adjustment, not only due to living with another person, but also an adjustment in re-defining a lifestyle.  But in the end-it's all worth it.  

Happiness is a choice!

See this...this is me.

This is me one year ago.  I was single and I was pretty happy with life.  

This is me a few months later.  I'm still single, and I'm still pretty happy.

This is me just last month, on the day I left my single status.

Yip.  Pretty darn happy.

And this is me today.

It may be a crappy photo, but I'm still just as happy as I was in that first photo.  

Case in point?  Marriage doesn't make you happy.  Whatever amount of happiness you take with you to the marriage alter is the same amount of happiness you have after you get married.

The interesting thing though?  My life suddenly has much more depth than it EVER did, and I LOVE it.  But happiness is an internal choice and external influences will never effect that choice.    

Well, that's all for now.  Be happy!