It DOES get easier

On my infertility board that I participate in a member asked a question as to weather or not it gets any easier.  7 out of 8 replied that it does not get any easier.  This surprised me.  While it is still extremely difficult it HAS gotten easier for me.  This was my reply:

I am with C_____ on this one. It HAS gotten easier for me. Not perfect, not painless, but easier. I don't spend the last 20 minutes of church crying in the bathroom anymore because I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have kids. I no longer keep a tally of all the women I know who are pregnant. And I don't run to the store to grab a pregnancy test every time my period is late. And when I do take a pregnancy test and the answer comes out negative I no longer spend the whole day in tears. Every once-in-a-while I will have that same consuming feeling sadness and betrayal, but it's not ALL the time anymore. I try to avoid situations that would make me upset, and that helps. I feel like I am beginning to trust God again and allow Him to heal me. I am also looking foreword to other possibilities in my future; the prospect of becoming foster parents and maybe adopt; enjoying my cousin's little family that will be moving here soon; and finding joy again in the things that I used to do. I have heard that time heals all wounds and I truly believe that. The key for me is to allow myself to mourn when I need to and to be patient with myself.

But then I wondered, when the answer was an overwhelming "no" for almost everybody else what made it such a definite "yes" for me?   I realized that it is my faith in Jesus Christ and my knowledge of the plan of salvation.  It hurts like heck that I may never be a mother in this life, but I KNOW that if Russ and I are faithful to our covenants then we WILL be parents in the life to come.  Last week I was listening to an interview on the Mormon Channel with Sister Julie B. Beck who is currently serving as the General Relief Society president.  The interviewer referenced a talk that Sister Beck gave in 2004 entitled "A Mother Heart" and asked Sister Beck what exactly is a "mother heart."  Sister Beck's reply was exactly what I needed to hear.  This is what she said:

A woman has that heart if she has a testimony of her identity as a daughter of God, that should she merit eternal life, and that life we all yearn for, then her title will be mother.  That will be the honorable name she will be called by.  No matter what her life experiences here in this life, a worthy woman will be a mother.  And that heart is developed with an understanding.  I think it's a Christ-like heart; having the attributes of Christ and having the kind of love and yearning for that eternal blessing.

I know this to be true.  The most hurtful part of infertility is not that I can't have children at this time; it's to see women who have children who don't appreciate what they have.  It's to see mother's who cry and whine about how miserable their life is and how difficult their children are.  Life is a challenge.  It was meant to be.  But I hope that those who have children can appreciate this blessing and have joy in it.  They have right now, in this life, that thing which all righteous women yearn for.  They carry at this time the most honorable role and title that one can possibly have.  They carry this title for a time.  But if I am true and faithful I will carry it for eternity.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword, or infertility?  Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

A few thoughts on modesty

I am very much an advocate for modesty. I believe in modesty. I very much believe that our bodies are sacred temples and that we ought to treat them as such. This does not mean that we have to dress like nuns or uncomely. I believe that one of the ways we stand as witnesses of Christ is in how we dress and how our image portrays ourselves to others. How we dress also shows how we perceive ourselves. I saw the following video on a blog I follow. I thought it was enlightening on how we as women have a tremendous amount of power and how the way we dress has an effect on everybody around us.

That being said I now want to share with you what I think is hands-down the BEST discourse on modesty. It is from a fireside given at BYU-Idaho by Susan A. Bednar in September 2001. You can read it here.

I love womanhood. I feel like I'm just beginning to understand our profound influence on the world that we carry as women. I pray that each of us can live worthy of our responsibilities and that we can make choices to influence others for good.

Sarah's Lamentation

I really feel for Sarah. You know, THE Sarah, Abraham's wife. The one who thought she'd never have any children yet ended up being the grandmother of the house of Israel. I feel like I have a foot in one of her moccasins (er, sandals in this case?). I think we can relate to each other as only few women can. This is how I think she must have felt upon seeing what she thought was to be her blessing being given to another-well, this is how I would feel at least.

Sarah's Lamentation

Hagar has conceived

Hagar, Hagar

Why won't my heart rejoice?

Shouldn't my soul be singing?

Hagar has concieved

The child of the promise

Will at last be born

Though not of me

Hagar bore a child

A boy, a son

The promise is now fulfilled

though not through me

Hagar has been chosen

A servent, a girl

has fulfilled the role

I once thought was mine

Abram has a child

His seed will now be forever

As sands of the endless sea

His, not mine

The time for lamentations has past

Abram has a son

Hagar has been chosen

A blessing from heaven has surely been given

I tried so hard to come up with a nice picture to go along with this post. I couldn't find anything I wanted, so until I learn to become an artist it will just have to be how it is.

The Epitome of a Woman

I first wrote this poem my last year at BYU-Idaho. I was sitting in church one day observing the wife of a member of our Bishopric who was also a new mother. I was inspired. The first two verses I wrote then, the rest I added to it last summer.

The Epitome of a Woman

The epitome of a woman

Is in her touch

Is in her smile

In only doing that

Which she knows is worthwhile

When she looks into tomorrow

Never thinking about today

The link through generations

Love and sacrifice is her way

She is always filled with virtue

She is always filled with strength

Standing tall and firm and steadfast

She will run the greater length

Her life may be a battle

Of truth and right from wrong

Yet never does she weary

She fills the world with song

Against her lies no competition

No enemy can prevail

The Lord is ever with her

She sees beyond the veil

She lifts, she builds, she strengthens

With heaven's mighty pull

Her body may be weary

But her heart is ever full

With wisdom she'll press forward

Generations yet to come

Will remember her in honor

Of the woman she has become

These are the women I think of when I think of this poem. My pioneer ancestors. They gave up everything. They faced so many difficulties and challenges. Each one has a miraculous story. Each one has been a source of strength to many. I honor them. Just in these photographs you can see courage, determination, and even refinement in their eyes. I also think of this woman.

She is not my ancestor. She never had any children, but her legacy is timeless. She is remembered and honored by thousands if not millions. She surely faced many of the trials I am going through, but like a modern-day Nephi she pressed forward with unwavering courage and determination. I want to be more like her: Eliza R. Snow.

The Family: A Proclamation to the world.

Even though there are only "two of us for now" we are still a family and I wanted to participate in this photo essay blog hop on The Proclamation to the family.

Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God ...

All human beings-male and female-are created in the image of God.

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.

If you would like to read the entire proclamation you may do so here.

She Quilts!

Now that I have so much more free time on my hands I can persue the hobbies that I always wanted to but simply didn't have the time for.  My new hobby?  Quilting!  I cannot tell you how long I have wanted to do this.  In fact, I love it so much, I feel like I was born for it!  I'm still a beginner, but I'm so exited to have a lifetime ahead of me to be able to do this!

Another neat thing about quilting is the legacy that accompanies it.  I cannot look at pictures of quilts and not remember the thousands of pioneer women who walked across the plains in search of a better life.  Some for more opportunities or homesteading, and some, like my pioneer ancestors, who walked across a continent to escape religious persecution and to be able to worship their God in freedom.  I can imagine them, walking barefoot with frost-bitten toes across a frozen prairie, or sweltering in the hot summer sun, but still continuing on with faith and diligence, and saving every scrap of material along the way to and piece together into something useful and beautiful.  What a wonderful legacy to follow!

P.S. Click here if you would like to read the story about the Martin Handcart Company crossing the Sweetwater River shown above.

"Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ"

I've always known that a woman's influence is of utter importance.  The woman is the one who really forms society, creates the atmosphere of home and family, and is the glue that holds everything together.  

Unfortunatley between changing occupations, status, and towns I've been feeling a little lost.  I wasn't sure where I was, where I was trying to go, or how to get there.  Furthermore I'd been feeling a little neglected in my talents and abilities being recognized by those around me due to my gender and position in society.  Here I was, at last at the place where I had been trying to get to my whole life, and all I could think of was "What am I supposed to do with myself?" 

So what do I do when I'm lost?  Find a map!  And find it I did!  It's an old Ensign article entitled "One Thing Needful':  Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ" by Patrcia T. Holland.  I'm not going to post the whole article in this blog, but you can click here to see the link.

I especially loved these words from Sister Holland in the article:

"We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection. We must not allow our own guilt, the feminist books, the talk-show hosts, or the whole media culture to sell us a bill of goods—or rather a bill of no goods. We can become so sidetracked in our compulsive search for identity and self-esteem that we really believe it can be found in having perfect figures or academic degrees or professional status or even absolute motherly success. Yet, in so searching externally, we can be torn from our true internal, eternal selves. We often worry so much about pleasing and performing for others that we lose our uniqueness—that full and relaxed acceptance of one’s self as a person of worth and individuality. We become so frightened and insecure that we cannot be generous toward the diversity and individuality, and yes, problems, of our neighbors. Too many women with these anxieties watch helplessly as their lives unravel from the very core that centers and sustains them. Too many are like a ship at sea without sail or rudder, “tossed to and fro,” as the Apostle Paul said (see Eph. 4:14), until more and more of us are genuinely, rail-

grabbingly seasick."

As a single woman being forced into a career that I really didn't want due to my single status I had many friends in similar situations.  Together we would be dumbfounded as we watched women who willfully neglected their divine callings as mothers.  We could not understand as we watched them willingly abandon their children at home alone or with strangers while they went to work in search of a more fulfilling life.  We could see first-hand how these children suffered as they grew up without the stability and security of a mother at home in exchange for larger homes and fancier cars.  In our hearts we longed to be where they were and pitied them for not understanding their loss.  I hope I will never have to compromise my values like that.  Yes, marriage is an adjustment, not only due to living with another person, but also an adjustment in re-defining a lifestyle.  But in the end-it's all worth it.