The real best Easter/Birthday/Christmas Present

It's time for me to repent about something I yesterday.  I alluded that having a baby would be the best Birthday/Easter/Christmas present ever.  It's kind of ironic that I included Easter and Christmas in that because as I reflected upon my words those two holidays made me realize something:  I already HAVE the best Birthday/Easter/Christmas present ever.  I never should have put wanting a baby above the most amazing gift that my Savior and my Heavenly Father have given me.  Right now "I Stand All Amazed" is playing on my computer.  The words to this Hymn are so fitting:


I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died

Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me
Oh, it is wonderful
Wonderful to me

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify

(Repeat chorus)

I think of his hands, pierced and bleeding to pay my debt
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Secure in the promise of life in his victory
Thus ransomed from death I will live to my Savior's praise
And sing of his goodness and mercy through endless days

I really don't like to get gifts at church on Mother's Day.  It often seems more like a reminder of what I'm not than a gift of appreciation.  Last year, however, our ward passed out this picture to all of the women as a Mother's Day gift:

It serves as a reminder to me that even though I may not ever have the things I desire in this life I can have everything I ever wanted and more than I can even imagine because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  It is so easy to lose an eternal perspective.  The best Chrismas present ever was my Father in Heaven sending a sweet babe born in Bethlehem over 2,000 years ago.  The best Easter present ever was a Savior who chose to take upon himself my sins and suffer death and be risen from the dead on the third day.  The best birthday present ever happened 30 years ago when I had the marvelous opportunity to be born into mortality and experience the tests and trials that will enable me to become refined and to return to live with Him.  It is so easy to be blinded by everything else that goes on in this world, but truly this all that really matters.  

It DOES get easier

On my infertility board that I participate in a member asked a question as to weather or not it gets any easier.  7 out of 8 replied that it does not get any easier.  This surprised me.  While it is still extremely difficult it HAS gotten easier for me.  This was my reply:

I am with C_____ on this one. It HAS gotten easier for me. Not perfect, not painless, but easier. I don't spend the last 20 minutes of church crying in the bathroom anymore because I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have kids. I no longer keep a tally of all the women I know who are pregnant. And I don't run to the store to grab a pregnancy test every time my period is late. And when I do take a pregnancy test and the answer comes out negative I no longer spend the whole day in tears. Every once-in-a-while I will have that same consuming feeling sadness and betrayal, but it's not ALL the time anymore. I try to avoid situations that would make me upset, and that helps. I feel like I am beginning to trust God again and allow Him to heal me. I am also looking foreword to other possibilities in my future; the prospect of becoming foster parents and maybe adopt; enjoying my cousin's little family that will be moving here soon; and finding joy again in the things that I used to do. I have heard that time heals all wounds and I truly believe that. The key for me is to allow myself to mourn when I need to and to be patient with myself.

But then I wondered, when the answer was an overwhelming "no" for almost everybody else what made it such a definite "yes" for me?   I realized that it is my faith in Jesus Christ and my knowledge of the plan of salvation.  It hurts like heck that I may never be a mother in this life, but I KNOW that if Russ and I are faithful to our covenants then we WILL be parents in the life to come.  Last week I was listening to an interview on the Mormon Channel with Sister Julie B. Beck who is currently serving as the General Relief Society president.  The interviewer referenced a talk that Sister Beck gave in 2004 entitled "A Mother Heart" and asked Sister Beck what exactly is a "mother heart."  Sister Beck's reply was exactly what I needed to hear.  This is what she said:

A woman has that heart if she has a testimony of her identity as a daughter of God, that should she merit eternal life, and that life we all yearn for, then her title will be mother.  That will be the honorable name she will be called by.  No matter what her life experiences here in this life, a worthy woman will be a mother.  And that heart is developed with an understanding.  I think it's a Christ-like heart; having the attributes of Christ and having the kind of love and yearning for that eternal blessing.

I know this to be true.  The most hurtful part of infertility is not that I can't have children at this time; it's to see women who have children who don't appreciate what they have.  It's to see mother's who cry and whine about how miserable their life is and how difficult their children are.  Life is a challenge.  It was meant to be.  But I hope that those who have children can appreciate this blessing and have joy in it.  They have right now, in this life, that thing which all righteous women yearn for.  They carry at this time the most honorable role and title that one can possibly have.  They carry this title for a time.  But if I am true and faithful I will carry it for eternity.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword, or infertility?  Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Comfort

One thing I'm pretty sure most of you don't know about me is that I came pretty close to marrying somebody else before I met Russ. It was somebody I had known, loved, trusted, and admired for 6 years of my life. You can only imagine my excitement when we went from being "friends" to being "a couple". I was 24 years old. I had been home from my mission just over a year. I was only a few semesters away from getting my degree. The timing in my life was perfect. We began to speak of marriage more and more often. He began to speak to me more and more often about his own fears and reservations. You can only imagine the heartbreak I went through when he very abruptly ended things. At the end of the Summer of 2006 I returned to school with tear-filled eyes and a broken heart. I had two very brief phone conversations with him that Fall and after that he never spoke to me again-even the one time I saw him in person he would not speak to me. The heartbreak I felt was more than I could possibly bear. At that time more than any other I had to call upon the atonement of Christ to mend a horribly broken heart. I also cried all the time. One of the places I cried the most was in the temple. It was such a peaceful place, but all I could think about while I was there were the incredible blessings of the Sealing Ordinance that almost could have been mine. Then one day, while crying in the temple, I felt to read this scripture:

After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and ^akindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and ^bpalms in their hands; And cried with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb... And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and whence came they? And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came ^aout of great ^btribulation, and have^cwashed their robes, and made them ^dwhite in the ^eblood of the^fLamb. Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his ^atemple: and he that ^bsitteth on the throne shall ^cdwell among them. They shall hunger no more, neither ^athirst any more; neither shall the ^bsun light on them, nor any heat. For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of ^awaters: and God shall wipe away all ^btears from their eyes.

And then I understood that as I was there serving in the temple, at that very moment, God was wiping the tears from my eyes. And God did deliver His promise. I did mary in the temple, to a worthy Elder in Israel, just as He promised I would. I vowed then that I would never doubt the Lord's promises again. I am sorry to say that I made a vow that I have not been able to keep. I am learning though, continually learning. In church today I was re-reading another scripture that I think will have as much of an impact on me as the one I just mentioned did:

And then shall that which is written come to pass: Sing, O^abarren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into ^bsinging, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child; for more are the children of the ^cdesolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord. Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thy habitations; spare not, lengthen thy cords and strengthen thy ^astakes; ... For the ^amountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my ^bkindness shall not ^cdepart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee. O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy ^astones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones. And ^aall thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the ^bpeace of thy children...No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall revile against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the ^aservants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

Now I know this scripture is really about the gathering of Israel, but it really speaks to me personally on so many levels. It tells me to sing or be happy in the situation I am in. It tells me that my work is to enlarge the stakes of Zion. It tells me that the comfortless and afflicted will have treasures given to them. It tells me that, yes, there are more unwed women who have children than those that the married wife has, but MY children will be taught of the Lord and have great peace. It tells me that no weapon (and I take this to mean the evil and conspiring works of men, not just physical weapons) formed against me will prosper. It tells me that this is my HERITAGE as a servant of the Lord. However, my favorite message from this scripture is that the Lord doesn't rebuke us for feeling afflicted or not comforted. He simply lays out what our blessings are and acknowledges our pain. And isn't that what He's always done? Isn't that what he did with Lazarus' sisters only moments before he raised Lazarus from the dead? He wept with them. And then, in His own very special way, and with healing in His wings, He wiped the tears from their eyes.

A few thoughts on modesty

I am very much an advocate for modesty. I believe in modesty. I very much believe that our bodies are sacred temples and that we ought to treat them as such. This does not mean that we have to dress like nuns or uncomely. I believe that one of the ways we stand as witnesses of Christ is in how we dress and how our image portrays ourselves to others. How we dress also shows how we perceive ourselves. I saw the following video on a blog I follow. I thought it was enlightening on how we as women have a tremendous amount of power and how the way we dress has an effect on everybody around us.

That being said I now want to share with you what I think is hands-down the BEST discourse on modesty. It is from a fireside given at BYU-Idaho by Susan A. Bednar in September 2001. You can read it here.

I love womanhood. I feel like I'm just beginning to understand our profound influence on the world that we carry as women. I pray that each of us can live worthy of our responsibilities and that we can make choices to influence others for good.

The Song of Redeeming Love

"And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?...

And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"

My heart is just so full of gratitude these past few days. Gratitude for EVERYTHING. For all my blessings, all that I have, and especially for He who rights all wrongs and the miraculous power of the atonement in every aspect of our lives.

The Epitome of a Woman

I first wrote this poem my last year at BYU-Idaho. I was sitting in church one day observing the wife of a member of our Bishopric who was also a new mother. I was inspired. The first two verses I wrote then, the rest I added to it last summer.

The Epitome of a Woman

The epitome of a woman

Is in her touch

Is in her smile

In only doing that

Which she knows is worthwhile

When she looks into tomorrow

Never thinking about today

The link through generations

Love and sacrifice is her way

She is always filled with virtue

She is always filled with strength

Standing tall and firm and steadfast

She will run the greater length

Her life may be a battle

Of truth and right from wrong

Yet never does she weary

She fills the world with song

Against her lies no competition

No enemy can prevail

The Lord is ever with her

She sees beyond the veil

She lifts, she builds, she strengthens

With heaven's mighty pull

Her body may be weary

But her heart is ever full

With wisdom she'll press forward

Generations yet to come

Will remember her in honor

Of the woman she has become

These are the women I think of when I think of this poem. My pioneer ancestors. They gave up everything. They faced so many difficulties and challenges. Each one has a miraculous story. Each one has been a source of strength to many. I honor them. Just in these photographs you can see courage, determination, and even refinement in their eyes. I also think of this woman.

She is not my ancestor. She never had any children, but her legacy is timeless. She is remembered and honored by thousands if not millions. She surely faced many of the trials I am going through, but like a modern-day Nephi she pressed forward with unwavering courage and determination. I want to be more like her: Eliza R. Snow.

Why we need Christ(mas)

I love Christmas. I hate winter.

Winter is a difficult time of year for me. I get cold. I get sick. I feel surrounded by darkness (today for example we only have 9 hours of daylight). I could not make it through the winter without Christmas.

Life can be difficult. We face infirmities. We battle the elements. We live in a world of darkness. I could not make it through life without Christ.

While traveling through the darkness a colorful display of Christmas lights will give me the strength to move on.

While traveling through this life the light of Christ gives us the strength to move on.

While going through the endeavors of the day messages of peace and hope found in Christmas cards give me the courage to continue forward.

While going through the endeavors of life the messages of peace and hope from the scriptures give us the courage to continue forward.

When the winter seems bleak the carols of Christmas fill me with joy and thanksgiving, and remind me that life has a purpose.

When life seems bleak the hymns of Christ fill us with joy and thanksgiving and remind us of life's purpose.

As we give and receive gifts our hearts are filled with love and we feel joy.

As we serve others we experience the true love of Christ, and as we receive Christ's gift for us we will have a fullness of joy.

I could not make it through winter without Christmas.

We could not make it through life without Christ.

The Family: A Proclamation to the world.

Even though there are only "two of us for now" we are still a family and I wanted to participate in this photo essay blog hop on The Proclamation to the family.

Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God ...

All human beings-male and female-are created in the image of God.

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.

If you would like to read the entire proclamation you may do so here.

Romans 8

It has been so easy in the trial I am now going through to lose faith and hope.

Has God forgotten me?

"The Spirit itself beareth ^awitness with our ^bspirit, that we are the ^cchildren of God: And if children, then heirs; ^aheirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we ^bsuffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the ^asufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the ^bglory which shall be revealed ^cin us."

No.

I am not sure if this will ever really happen. Has hope been lost?

"For we are saved by ^ahope: but hope that is ^bseen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

No.

I pray for the desires of my heart to be answered and yet my womb remains empty.

Does He hear me? Will things work out?

"Likewise the Spirit also ^ahelpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should ^bpray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh ^cintercession for us with ^dgroanings which cannot be uttered. And he that ^asearcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh ^bintercession for the saints according to the will of God.And we know that all things work together for ^agood to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Yes.

Will I pull through this? Will I be able to stand strong against these tides that threaten to pull me under?

"Who shall separate us from the ^alove of Christ? shall ^btribulation, or distress, or ^cpersecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are ^akilled all the day long; we are accounted as ^bsheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are ^amore than ^bconquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to ^aseparate us from the ^blove of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Yes.

And in the words of the scriptures I find strength. I cannot help but think of the words of this hymn:

Shall the youth of Zion falter
In defending truth and right?
While the enemy assaileth,
Shall we shrink or shun the fight? No!
True to the faith that our parents have cherished,
True to the truth for which martyrs have perished,
To God's command,
Soul, heart, and hand,
Faithful and true we will ever stand.

While we know the pow'rs of darkness
Seek to thwart the work of God,
Shall the children of the promise
Cease to grasp the iron rod? No!
True to the faith that our parents have cherished,
True to the truth for which martyrs have perished,
To God's command,
Soul, heart, and hand,
Faithful and true we will ever stand.

Tender Mercies of the Lord

I am so grateful for the Lord's tender mercies in our lives. I have been so concerned about our financial situation. My husband lost his job at the end of October and has been unable to find sufficient employment. I had a job for the holiday's at a retail store but it ended last week. Tuesday we went to the temple and I began a special fast that we would be able to find employment. Yesterday I ended my fast and about 2 hours later I received a phone call from my holiday job. They were wondering if I could help them out for the next little bit with a permanent position probably opening up soon. What a blessing! I know that the Lord hears and answers our prayers. I know that even though times are hard right now there is great purpose in our struggles. Just when things start to look down we need to look up and we will know where to turn.

O, Canada!

With my husband's crazy absurd work schedule it's been hard to find time together. Today, though he didn't have to go to work until later in the evening so we got to go to a place that has been and will become very special to us.

This is the site of the new Vancouver, B.C. temple. (This picture was taken a little over a year ago shortly before my husband asked me to marry him at a nearby park.) We just found out on Sunday that we will be in this temple district! We are so excited about this because it is an hour closer to us than the Seattle temple. All this time we thought for sure we'd still be in the Seattle temple district being that Canada is a whole different country and all (even though our Stake touches the border and is quite close to the new temple site). As far as I understand we're the only stake in the U.S. that belongs to a temple district in a different country! What a blessing for us, and for our friends to the north as well, aye?

This is pretty much what it looked like today...

...and this is what it will look like upon completion.

Light

One of the hardest things about living in the Northwest is the short days in the winter.  One of the greatest things about living in the Northwest is the long days in the summer.  In the dead of winter it can be pitch dark as early as 4:30 in the afternoon.  But in mid-summer it stays light until almost 10:oo pm.  It is so wonderful to feel spring coming as the days get longer and longer. I love light.  In looking for an apartment one of my prerequesites was that it be bright.  I turn all the lights on in the house when it's not bright enough.  I used to want to live in Alaska until I realized the prospect of days with no light at all.  And when you think about it, light is the source of all life.  Plants, which are on the bottom of the food chain, produce their food from light.  Our growth, our ability to function, our energy, the only thing that keeps us going...is light.  This is true spiritually as well as physically.  It makes me think of one of my favorite scriptures about the true source of all light:

 "He that ascended up on high, as also he descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth; Which truth shineth.  This is the light of Christ. As also he is in the sun, and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by which it was made.  As also he is the moon, and is the light of the moon, and the power thereof by which it was made; As also the light of the stars, and the power thereof by which they were made; And the earth also, and the power thereof, even the earth upon which you stand.  And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings; Which light proceedeth forth from the presence of God to fill the immensity of space-The light which is in all things, which is the law by which all things are governed, even the power of God who sitteth upon his throne, who is in the bosom of eternity, who is in the midst of all things."  Doctrine and Covenants 88:6-13

His light is in each of us and it is the source of all light...the source of all life.  As long as we look to Him that light will shine in us, and our understanding will be increased.

"And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things."  Doctrine and Covenants 88:67

"That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light growth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." Doctrine and Covenants 50:24

So often in life we feel distressed and discouraged.  I have noticed in my own life that when I neglect to nourish my spirituality and fail to daily fill my life with the words of Christ it seems as though I am in darkness.  I feel like the houseplant that is stuck in a room without the curtains open and I'm constantly trying to twist and turn myself in all the wrong directions trying to get to that light that will sustain me.  When I bask in the light of Christ I am strengthened and able to do all things in Him.  My prayer is that we each seek the light that will nourish and strengthen us. 

Star light

Star bright

Many stars I see tonight

In the darkness, black or blue

Shines the light of you, so true

While dark it seems from far away

Where you are, is light to stay